SORBO Watch:
‘You get caught lying about cancer, you’re gonna get punched’

I realised when writing about the introduction of burly man-thing SORBO to glamorous Newport that his name (and actually the delivery of said name that I recommended) was somewhat reminiscent of alien newscaster from Futurama’s year 3000, Morbo. The coincidence was just that, a coincidence, and not intentional. Still, it makes it funnier in a way. Anyway, I thought it would be best if we kept an eye on SORBO, as he went about his, no doubt shady, business.

In fact, a moment of tension came about after SORBO’s attempts to meet up with his son Ryan (Benjamin McKenzie) got rebuffed in no uncertain terms. Sandy (Peter Gallagher) saw SORBO with Kirsten (Kelly Rowan) and Julie (Melinda Clarke), who both looked shaken – what could his final gambit be? I figured he was going to rumble about the male prostitution racket Julie had been running. Maybe something worse; he was a career criminal, after all. Instead, his blackmail was of the emotional stripe. Very clever, SORBO.

Of course, the subtitle of this post stems from this: SORBO declared that he was dying of lung cancer. That got him a chance to meet up with Ryan, head over to the Cohen household for dinner, and he acquitted himself well. I have to admit I have been watching SORBO with a vested interest. I’m not sure why, but I have rather a soft spot for the big lummox and, after his lowbrow TV roles, these episodes have been as much a probation for the real life SORBO as it has for the character he has been playing on screen.

While slightly wooden (fortunately the nerves of his character excused some of that awkwardness), SORBO did well for himself. He was likeable, but threatening when the need arose. And arise it did, as ever-resourceful Sandy did his homework on this man, phoning the prison medic and finding out that he was as strong and healthy as a strong, healthy ox that hasn’t smoked a cigarette in its life. When issued the ultimatum that either he would come clean to Ryan – or Sandy would – SORBO entered Hercules mode and went all you don’t wanna be doing this, Cohen. Anyway, posturing, one punch and lotsa heart to heart later, and SORBO drove off on somewhat decent terms with Ryan.

Something tells me, though, that this is not the last we’ll see of him. I bloody hope not, anyway: I’ve started up a damn SORBO Watch now, and I don’t want to have to reduce myself to watching repeats of Hercules: the Legendary Journeys (no offence Bella!).

SORBO!

Anyway, I have a feeling he might stay knocking about Newport as it looks like SORBO and Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper are going to hook up. Could we eventually be witnessing another marriage involving the serial bride? Perhaps Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-SORBO, or maybe she’s grown tired of the name changes and will decide to force him into becoming SORBO Cooper. Oh, the intrigue.

Elsewhere, the now engaged Seth (Adam Brody) and Summer (Rachel Bilson) made this old (OK, I’m twenty six. Whatevz) TV viewer proud, as neither of them wanted to get married, but nevertheless did not want to call it off, out for fear of losing face in the relationship. You know, they would stay together and one would always enjoy the upper hand status of knowing their partner lacked the cojones (or, err, ovarios) to go all the way. So they engaged in a massive spite-driven bluff-fest that rivalled peak George Costanza in both its extreme pettiness and the lengths they went to.

For those unfamiliar with the George episode in question, it concerned his life after accidentally buying the toxic envelopes that killed his fiancée, Susan (season nine of Seinfeld, though the passing was the season finale of the seventh). Anyway, he gets embroiled in a set of lies, as is his wont, that includes his ownership of property in plush New York star holiday-fest the Hamptons. Of course he owns no such thing and Elaine, unbeknownst to him, tells Susan’s parents as much.

So, out of spite, they call his bluff and ask to see this place in the Hamptons. Equally out of spite, he agrees to take them. While on the way, he comes out with a few lies that I really loved, most notably the names of his horses: Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Quite why someone would call a horse Prickly Pete is beyond me, but that’s exactly what makes my ribs hurtle into my lungs with that most agonising of laughter. As one would expect, George ends up hiking through the surrounding Long Island beachland* before he eventually confesses, with great shame (less because he lied than because he was so out-bluffed), that ‘There’s no house! It’s a lie! There’s no solarium. There’s no Prickly Pete. There’s no other solarium’.

Back to the topic at hand: I loved the escalation that occurred in the game of nuptial chicken between Seth and Summer. Both well aware that the other did not want marriage (the original idea was predicated on a pregnancy scare), neither wants to step down, and they both keep bringing in new stipulations. Seth wants Summer to convert to Judaism. Summer wants Seth to look after their ‘child’, the pet rabbit Pancakes. Eventually they decide to elope to Las Vegas there and then, and it is after being on the road for a few hours that Seth eventually caves. In fact, the mood of the whole episode, SORBO madness included, can pretty much be summed up with the following George quotation:

‘Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It’s a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way… to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. LET’S GET NUTS!’

*Apparently. My New York geographical knowledge is spotty at best. And by ‘spotty’, I mean ‘non-existent’.

The Blurst of Times


A familiar subject for this post. After my preview and instinctual
thoughts on Pride 33, here is the finished article I have penned for the Total MMA newsletter. These thoughts are hopefully a tad more organised than the previous ones, and I have even made a pretty picture for this one! Anyway.

* * *
As far as slow deaths of empires go, this stage of Pride’s was relatively enjoyable. In terms of recent MMA shows, this was one no MMA fan is likely to forget. I realise that, to some extent, the context of the DSE financial mire is impossible to totally ignore. That said, with every man and his three-legged dog postulating and theorising about how much money DSE has, who wants to buy it and whether ‘this! Is the last show!’ every time they put one on, I am personally more than a tad tired of people who do not know pretending they do. Besides, what we do know for sure is what happened at Pride 33, however hard it was to believe at first. So let us just focus out beady little eyes and minds on that then.

Obviously, everybody reading must know the results by now so, as is usually the case with these articles, I won’t bore you with play by play. It’s always more fun to watch anyway. Instead, I will focus more on what the results might mean to the promotion, the particular fighters and, to be quite honest, what they meant to me.

On a card that seemed to have more upsets than anything else, it was with less a sigh of relief than a gale, that I watched the respective returns to winning ways by my two favourite pale fighters: Joachim ‘Hellboy’ Hansen and Sergei Kharitonov. Then again, on this night defined by underdogs, their wins were not quick demolitions.

Hansen had it pretty easy against Jason Ireland, who never gave up despite being totally outgunned. Well, that’s a bit of a lie: the scream he unleashed when Hansen cranked on his arm midway through the third round could be construed as giving up. Anyway, he put up a hell of a fight against an elite international lightweight, and surviving into the third round is something to applaud. Here’s hoping Pride holds onto him because he would make a fine addition to this summer’s lightweight tournament (if they’re still around – oo-er).

For his part, Hansen was the consummate demolition machine we al know he can be. His Thai boxing was impressive, as he used the clinch not just to hurl those devastating knees into Ireland’s face, but also to throw his prey to the ground. And when on the canvas, Hansen impressed still further. Obviously fired up by his recent quick submission loss to Shinya Aoki, though respectable on the ground for a while (his defence against Uno was vastly more impressive than when he tapped to ‘Shaolin’ Ribeiro – but Ribeiro is a complete beast at the weight), he was all over Ireland. It seemed as though his winning arm bar was a message sent to all his rivals, accompanied as it was by his insistence that the referee check for the submission.

Less one sided was Kharitonov’s much-needed victory. His run of unfortunate results against Aleks Emelianenko and Alistair Overeem (opposition not to be sniffed at, although Overeem seems to have caught the under-achievement bug of late) suggested this fight was do or die. A third consecutive loss, against an MMA non-star, could have spelled doom for the young Russian.

As was predictable (though I admittedly sold him short), Russow cut a powerful figure in the ring, all big right hands and tenacious in takedown attempts. It was in light of this that Kharitonov’s eventual submission win impressed. Sergei was under fire, mounted with worrying ease (though by a good wrestler), but his early takedown trip-counter and fight-ending submission evinced a heartening level of grace under fire. As with Ireland, the large and aggressive Russow is a fighter I would like to see again in MMA competition.

Another fight that followed the betting line (presumably: I’m about as far from a betting man as you can get after being stung by the B.J Penn vs. Georges St. Pierre bout) was between middleweight GP champion Mauricio ‘Shogun’ Rua and Alistair Overeem.

The Dutchman, like Kharitonov, had been on something of a slide. Actually, after the sudden (apparently injury-based) stoppage he suffered after having the upper hand against Rogerio Nogueira and subsequent tap to Arona getting his back, it might be more pertinent to suggest he’s on rather a major slide. Perhaps like one of those gigantic water slides you get, where you steam halfway around town and think it’s never going to end, before you are finally deposited, gasping, into a pool of your own fear.

It is safe to say that Overeem had not recently been battling to his immense potential, that’s for sure. Bafflingly, the same had recently been whispered in some quarters about ‘Shogun’. Not by me, but whispered nonetheless. There was talk that he had not dispatched Cryille Diabate with sufficient venom, as though a stoppage via stamping your opponent’s face into the blood-stained canvas halfway through the opening stanza were insufficient. He tapped the tough Kevin Randleman in what was essentially one (lengthy) sequence. Most recently, ‘Shogun’ enjoyed a clear decision victory over a much-improved Kazuhiro Nakamura – a legitimate threat to anybody at 205.

If any doubt about young Rua remained, one would hope it was dismissed at Pride 33. Credit to Overeem for opening the bout in a strong, aggressive, and heartening manner, but ‘Shogun’ proved why he is a force of nature by securing a quick victory with one of the most pinpoint-accurate ground and pound shots I have witnessed. Like some sort of Bizarro Superman he flew, with his arm outstretched, directly to Overeem’s jaw. It was a shot of such beauty that there could have been no doubt the fight was over there and then. It is perhaps fortunate for Overeem that numerous other Pride middleweights met brutal ends on this night.

The fight that was most clearly an upset was the near-instantaneous knockout visited upon Antonio Rogerio Nogueira by Pride debutant Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou. And that is pretty much all there is to it, as well. Rogerio, who went the distance in 2005 with ‘Shogun’, withstanding massive shots in the process; who is a celebrated boxer in his homeland… was knocked out cold by the erstwhile African Judo champion. And kudos to the Cameroonian, for he beat one of the very best in the world, a man who was at one time rumoured to be challenging for the gold on this very show.

While it may be a tad premature to be sticking Sokoudjou in any top ten list quite yet, his achievement was massive in its stature, and in the gasps of disbelief flying out, along with near-infinite beer, chips and whatever else, of the mouths of the worldwide MMA cognoscenti. Oh, to think how many monocles must have fallen from surprised eyes at the moment that left hand connected.

‘Hands connecting’ was the story of the two main events of this card, and we’re not talking hippified Coke commercials where everyone links up for a sing-song.

Anybody thinking Pride lightweight champ Takanori Gomi was in for an easy night against Nick Diaz was obviously not looking at the big picture. As I predicted, Diaz caught Gomi with some good early shots, and the Japanese fighter returned the favour. Infinite credit where it is due (that being directed, like a laser, in the direction of Diaz), Nick Diaz did not, as I ventured he might, ‘smug his way to a decision loss’.

Obviously fired up both by lost fights that were eminently winnable (this would be where I mention Joe Riggs), and by the magnitude of this event, the Diaz of Pride 33 was a cocky, compelling combination of the Diaz we saw at UFCs 44 and 47. The audience was fortunate to bear witness to the hungry Diaz that so memorably smacked Robbie Lawler six ways from Sunday in 2004 (echoed, brilliantly, in his taunting ‘hands up’ posture: Gomi was as unable to provide an answer as Lawler), but also the vaunted ‘submission specialist’ of 2003 that so impressed in his UFC debut against Jeremy Jackson.

Make no mistake: this non-title bout was a war. Both men suffered damage, and looked in trouble. But it was after the best-possible Bonnar vs. Griffin movement that the true class of a mixed martial artist showed through. Standing and banging will only get you so far in this game (unless you happen to do it as well as, say, Chuck Liddell), and an either tired or punch-drunk Gomi was unable to provide an answer for the Cesar Gracie-trained submission skills of Diaz. The limb length that had afforded him an advantage on the feet played, too, into the endgame as Diaz positioned his lower leg under Gomi’s throat and pulled down. The subsequent stoppage was mere formality.

Gomi was not dominated in this fight. Even in his staggered phase, he managed to throw a damaging knee to Diaz’s body, but the Stockton native was just too much for him. This was really a case of one of the world’s best welterweights beating one of the world’s best lightweights. Prior to the fight, the larger, well-rounded Diaz’s chances seemed too good to be true. In hindsight, though, they were simply too good to be ignored.

Pre-fight size difference played less of a role than anticipated in the marquee fight: champion vs. champion, Silva vs. Henderson. My preview made mention of Henderson’s ability to control through his wrestling, his hard punches, and of Silva’s issues with dominant wrestlers. What I had under-estimated was Henderson’s tenacity, and his ability to wrestle bigger men than himself with success. The easy victory over Vitor Belfort should have acted as sufficient warning, but in that case it was not to easy to determine how much of that was Henderson being great, or Belfort under-achieving.

Admittedly, the Silva who showed up to defend his title in Las Vegas seemed slightly smaller than the jacked wrecking machine of the last few years; perhaps the size difference was not so great in the land of substance tests (not saying Silva is a user, but he was lacking some of his Japanese bulk). Whatever the case, Henderson showed up to fight, and was not to be denied.

The stand-up portions of the battle saw the Team Quest great connect with some grand shots, but it is not as though Silva had not been in his fair share of brawls. The fight seemed to have been sucked out of the Brazilian on the ground. We saw it in that brace of battles with Arona, and we saw it again at Pride 33: Silva is not comfortable when faced with an effective MMA-trained wrestler.

It seems that, rather than bang it out and hope for the best, perhaps Silva would do well to go back to the drawing board and devise a way of dealing with this very definite flaw in his game, or the same fate will befall him again and again. Henderson eventually reached his destination of the middleweight title with a left hand, but his excellent wrestling certainly helped him on the bulk of the journey.

Now he is back to looking like the fighting machine he really is, perhaps he should rematch Kazuo Misaki, who lost a clear decision to Renaissance Man Frank Trigg, while the iron is hot. Holding two belts, he certainly won’t starve for a fight anytime soon. Indeed, perhaps perennial Chuteboxe bridesmaid (I would like to make it very clear I am using the term metaphorically here. Metaphorically) Mauricio ‘Shogun’ can finally have his shot at gold now the belt has been wrested from around the waist of his mentor Silva.

Yes, with two iconic Pride champions tasting bitter, though not totally surprising, stoppage losses, and other big names taking the fall, these are interesting times indeed for Pride FC. I suppose the state of their situation depends on whether one views the glass half-empty or half-full. While it may be true that some of the promotion’s biggest names have lost in dramatic fashion, it is without doubt that the likes of Henderson, Diaz, Trigg and Sokoudjo have seen their stars rise massively within the ranks of the troubled Japanese promotion. And perhaps, in some final dramatic irony, a set of strong American (and African!) figureheads are precisely what the company needs as it sets its sights on coasts far from Japan.

Conspiracy theories, subterfuge… and I’m not talking 24


I promised myself (and, by extension, the rest of the world) that I would not fall into the trap of writing weekly updates on Lost, The O.C. or anything else, but notes must be made on recent happenings.

Perhaps news has reached you, the dear reader, of the ongoing discord between Richard Branson’s Virgin Media empire and Rupert Murdoch’s NewsReich. It seems that, due to arms being folded, toys being thrown out of prams and certain executives’ mums being dissed (it was alleged that Branson’s mother was ‘so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a tax refund’), Virgin Media’s digital cable wing might not carry Sky programming for much longer.

The knock-on effect for me is that I (as I signed up with NTL, who apparently got bought out without my knowledge) might lose Lost, 24 and to be honest: not much else. The rest of Sky’s TV (from Britain’s Toughest Pubs III to Dom Joly Traipsing around America Getting Ratarsed and all points betwixt) can fall of the face of the Earth as far as I’m concerned. And they can take Murdoch with them, as they plunge into the wide open nothingness of space, their heads popping in unison like a collection of synchronised Nazi exploding robots.

Anyway, til I find information out for sure, I will shut up about it. Except to mention the strange pauses I experienced while I was trying to watch those two programmes that I like a lot. I am used to signals going on the blink when at friends’ houses. They have crappy antennas, though, not the thick lustrous cable I was blessed with. And the pauses lasted for about five minutes at a time, and I even missed the tag of 24 (that’s the ending, for those of you not au fait with Telly Speak). Weirdly, Sky 2 seemed to work, though I opted for frozen images over the rancid bollockfest that Sky actually produces.

And that got me thinking: maybe Branson was sabotaging Sky broadcasts on his service. After all, Sky was running adverts so masturbatory that I had to wipe the digital semen off my disgusted face: ‘we at Sky make the best programmes ever. Sadly, those bastards at Virgin Media do not want you to see our great shows and have decided not to pay us. Therefore you, the customer, are screwed’.

It might have been a good strategy if they were freezing out the breaks, but they were instead screwing me over, which isn’t quite so effective. Still, I await with baited breath Branson’s next move. Perhaps when Sky goes to break, a machine will whirr into action as the Sky Propaganda Blips come on, flooding the screen with darkness. A disembodied Branson head will then come on, slowly rotating as it intones a looped mantra of ‘Sky sucks, Sky sucks…’, all the while backed by a dubstep re-working of Tubular Bells.

* * *

I spotted the presence in tonight’s O.C. credits of one ‘Kevin Sorbo’. The name was just slotted in there, with nary a ‘With Special Guest’ prefix accompanying his name – as though he were merely a regular jobbing actor! In case any clarification were needed – and to those reading this, I would hope not – we are dealing with not just ‘Kevin Sorbo’, but SORBO. You have to read that half-growling, half-shouting, as though you were a cartoon super-villain (or, if you’re into Neurosis, as though you would say ‘windstorm’)

SORBO first found fame in that pulpy, trashy pile of pulp trash Hercules: the Legendary Journeys, wherein he would get chased around by women a lot and constantly have to save his sidekick Aeolus, a squat, gurning character who looked like a kind of ancient Greek Les Dennis. Still, the show was helmed by Sam ‘Evil Dead’ Raimi (who also co-wrote The Hudsucker Proxy, so he gets bonus points til the cows come home) and occasionally featured the king of bit-parts, Bruce Campbell. I am pretty sure I saw SORBO in a Jim Beam ad before this, but what can you do. After this, he went on to star in some Star Trek thing, which is neither as interesting nor amusing.

Anyway, I have to admit I was well pleased when SORBO turned up in Newport. Spying, no less! It turned out that he is a friend of Julie’s current beau, one ‘Bullit’ (Gary Grubbs). He got installed in Julie (Melinda Clarke) and Kirsten’s (Kelly Rowan) bidneth as some kind of financial advisor, saw Julie was running a male ‘escort’ ‘service’, and decided to keep schtum. For a price. When he gave his hotel number to Julie, we all assumed the worst but the reveal was far more dramatic than we could have reasonably expected.

See, when Sandy (Peter Gallagher) saw SORBO, he got that sense you get when you think you have seen someone somewhere before. So he did what any sane man does on New Year’s Eve: you go back to your office and pore over files in the hope that you have had dealings with this stranger in the past. Funnily enough, what SORBO wanted from Julie was dirt on the Cohen family. Coincidence, huh. Anyway, the most humongous reveal in the history of the show was oddly not the litany of offences committed by SORBO on the human race, but the character’s real surname: ATWOOD.

While that doesn’t quite work as well in caps as SORBO, it is nevertheless of great import, as it means he is Ryan’s (Benjamin McKenzie) real father. I readily admit that I exclaimed, aloud, and at quite some volume when that happened. The O.C. may well have ended up being watched by about three and a half people, and has now breathed its last, but the ability to enthral is still there; a relief considering the crapulence of last week’s episode.

Anyway, there is still time before the show finishes over here, so perhaps Virgin Media can really quickly fall out with more media conglomerates. The official ruling will apparently come later in the day…

Pride 33 Thoughts: Part One

Usually (in other words, when Pride run shows in Japan), I like to watch the event live, and react accordingly. Opting to sleep instead of watch this Las Vegas live, I have opted to watch this show on a match by match basis – beginning with those near the end of the card. I.E. the ones I want to see most. However, after having seen the whole thing, I will endeavour to have this post make sense in chronological order. You will also notice that I throw the concept of self-editing out of the window for these posts. Sorry.

Match One (watched third):
Joachim ‘Hellboy’ Hansen (Norway)
-vs-
Jason ‘Is Wearing a Kilt’ Ireland (USA)

Hansen is an awesome fighter, and definitely one of my personal favourites. While he beat such greats as Takanori Gomi in Shooto, he made his name on the big stage when he knocked out legendary Caol Uno with a brutal knee to the face in a classic match.

He went to Pride and beat the likes of Luiz Azeredo and Yves Edwards. More recently, though, he is coming off a few losses including a decision to Hayato ‘Mach’ Sakurai, a DQ to Tatsuya Kawajiri and a submission to the excellent Shinya Aoki. Hansen comes to the ring sadly devoid of his usual pseudo-Black Metal theme tune. Moody rock isn’t really his scene, but I’m not about to tell him that to his face. Russow, despite the comedy nickname I gave him (it transpires his official moniker is ‘The Irish Tornado’, but I can’t be bothered editing that in), looks like he definitely means business.

META: the thing is with downloading fights, you generally know whether they are going long or short. That said. I am not complaining, because the internet is a glorious thing that allows me to watch this stuff. Anyway, this fight look s like it will be quite long. The lightweights having long fights tends to indicate it will be pretty good. Anyway, I’m going to watch the whole ting and get back to you with thoughts.

OK, the first round is over, and my optimism was rewarded. Hansen was dominant with takedowns, and ground control. One beautiful sequence saw Hansen gain a takedown with a clinch, then rolling through into getting Ireland’s back. Heartening was Ireland’s positive round-ending flurry of strikes.

The second round was also very engaging, though Hansen-dominated once more. Less than a minute into the round, Hansen caught Ireland with a good punch, following it up with what seemed like a deadly clinch and knees to the head combination. The file has nine minutes left at this stage, though, so I knew the match was not yet over.

Still, Hansen had back mount for a lot of the fight and, though briefly stifled by Ireland’s solid defence, ended the round with some pummelling in an attempt to get Ireland to defend with his arm, at which point Hansen would be able to get the arm-bar. As aforementioned, Ireland has tough defences, and he survived until the bell. Worth mentioning is the scowl Hansen gave the camera, as though frustrated by the lightweight immovable object he was presented with.

Impressive, too, is a Manowar reference from ever-dorky Barnett. Also, Hansen starts the third round by raising his hands in an apparently cocky gesture. The two decide to throw down, but the only throwing down turns out to be Hansen throwing Ireland down with another Thai clinch. He echoes Nogueira with his triangle choke to arm-bar sequence and, as Barnett pointed out, perhaps this was more of an intentional reference to the way Hansen lost to Aoki on December 31st. Hansen proved he learns quickly by forcing the (eventual) submission from a game, but over-matched, Ireland.

Match Two (watched fifth):
Frank ‘Twinkle Toes’ Trigg (USA)
-vs-
Kazuo Misaki (Japan)

It is good to see Trigg back in action. I never really thought he should retire just because he had been on a bad run – most of that run included losses to Matt Hughes and Georges St. Pierre, and they only tend to lose to each other nowadays. So Trigg recently returned to action and won impressively against the really good Jason ‘Mayhem’ Miller for ICON Sports. Nice one.

I don’t really know what to think about Misaki. He’s good, and no doubt about that (you don’t beat the each of Baroni, Henderson and Kang by being a sucker), but I get a weird feeling about him. He seems to do really well without being especially good at anything. He fights intelligently, and to his strengths, and I guess that should be applauded, but he just doesn’t wow me much. This is partly because he won the recent welterweight GP after having lost in the semi final. An injury to finalist Paulo Filho led to Misaki taking his place (after Filho beat Misaki), and eventually winning the whole shebang. Credit where it’s due etc. I just hope Trigg smashes him, which might be a hope too far.

Into the third round, and I hope Trigg gets the inevitable decision here. He has essentially dominated the action, owning Misaki’s back, but neither man looked close to ending things. Decent fight, but I never really get the urge to re-watch Misaki fights. Nice one; Trigg got a unanimous decision. In terms of the big picture, he has now beaten the welter GP champion. He has wrestled his way into a great position in the rankings. In fact, with Anderson be-bopping and scatting all over his opponents in the UFC 185 lb division, perhaps Dana White is regretting severing ties with Trigg. He is, after all, a tough, well rounded fighter with good takedowns and top control – someone who could theoretically give Silva problems.

Match Three (watched sixth):
Travis Wiuff (USA)
-vs-
James Lee (USA)

I am largely indifferent ot this fight, to be honest. Wiuff’s claim to fame for me (apart from the fact that you pronounce his name pretty much the opposite to how it is spelt: ‘Phew!’) is that he got tapped out by Renato Sobral who is, if not my favourite light heavyweight, in the top three. James Lee is a stranger to me. In fact, I got him confused with a British lightweight initially.

Lee dropped Phew in about the first second of action, and now they’re rolling around like they’re at school and one of them dissed the other’s gyal. After about seven seconds of rolling around, Lee gets the win with a guillotine choke. Rather fitting, really, as I’m sure I used that at some point in school. We just called them headlocks, though. And I didn’t get paid for doing them either.

Match Four (watched seventh):
Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (Brazil)
-vs-
Rameau Sokoudjou (Cameroon)

This should probably be pretty quick, because Rogerio is arguably the best in the world at 205 (not an argument I would make, but still), and Rameau is pretty new to the fight game. He is also predominantly a grappler (African judo champion, no less), so I expect Rogerio to box him out. But will I be correct~?

Nicholas Cage is in the audience. Do I not like that actor. Sokoudjou impresses me early with kicks, and JESUS CHRIST SORRY FOR THE CAPS, I HATE THEM TOO, BUT HE HAS JUST SPARKED OUT NOGUEIRA. Jiminy Jillikers. Wow, it was a near-secret left hand right on the button, and Sokoudjou just booked himself right into the light heavyweight top ten. And for those seeking answers: no, I was not correct.

Match Five (watched eighth):
Hayato ‘Mach’ Sakurai (Japan)
-vs-
Mac Danzig (USA)

Mach vs. Mac. Sadly, the parallel is not quite serendipitous (if, indeed, it would have been anyway), because ‘Mach’ is apparently pronounced ‘Maha’. There is rather a pleasant little story accompanying this tilt: Danzig (awesome surname, by the way) apparently grew up idolising Sakurai, so this is something of a humbling event for him. It also means he ostensibly knows Sakurai’s fighting style inside out. The question is whether this homework can neutralise the size, skill and experience of the lightweight tournament finalist Sakurai. Well, the night has been one of upsets, so let’s see…

Sakurai is apparently ‘excited to knock out an American in America’, and I am glad the art of working a crowd is not dead. The first round was quality, as there was no deference from Danzig, and plenty of action. The highlight had to be the beautiful hip toss into arm bar attempt by Sakurai. The submission was not forthcoming, and I am excited for round two.

Sakurai was something to behold in this round. While Danzig was dancing around him and throwing punches, ‘Mach’ merely stood, calmly in the centre of the ring. Slightly reminiscent of a Komodo dragon biting its prey and waiting for it to die, he waited patiently, and threw a punch at the right time. He threw a low kick at the right time. For minutes, he stood, waited and released at the right time. Before the round ended, and after those low kicks had accumulated on Danzig’s leg, he hit the American with a single blow that left him crumpled on the mat.

The upset was not to be, but this round was a masterclass in how to keep calm and undo a more active opponent. This is what I meant by the experience of Sakurai.