Baroness packaging fetish

Wasn’t there a character called Baroness in Action Force? Sorry, ‘G.I.’ ‘Joe’. Kinda makes it sound like a show about a bloke trying out special diets. ‘No bread for me!’ I was always more of a Transformers fan in my youth. That was tops. Inhumanoids too, actually, but mainly Transformers. I had tons of the things. Best had to be Scorponok, though Trypticon was never available over here so who knows.

I did manage to get a knock-off Omega Supreme in the local Jolly Giant through. It was just called ‘Omegatron’, and was very grey, but turned into a massive robot and had a detachable space train and things, so that was pretty great. Scorponok, though. He was the bomb. Great colour scheme. Who was that triple changer that turned into a missile launcher and stuff? Double Dealer or someone? A Transformers anti-hero. The Stanley Kowalski of the under-tens set. Can’t beat it.

In fact, I can still watch Transformers: The Movie now and love it. Not the piece of crap live action one. All that has going for it is Megan Fox. I won’t deny that she is very nice, but the film’s a bloated wreck. Only one thing even transforms in the first twenty minutes! Watched it for an hour and a quarter and that was it. Who makes a 135-minute Transformers film anyway? Ooh, the suspense. Maybe something will transform! Fat chance. And when they did, you couldn’t make them out.

They’d have fights, and it’d just look like what it was – a bunch of computer graphics knocking about. Forget it. And I hate to be one of these anal dorks, but Prime doesn’t have a moving mouth. And he doesn’t say ‘my bad’.

The original was fab though. It was so tightly-plotted. Fast-paced, every scene moved the story on. It was too fast paced for some friends of mine who first watched it as adults. But what are you doing watching it for the first time as adults? It’s a solid sugar-rush that, if you weren’t there at the time, you’re not gonna get.

Transformers died in that thing. I’ll never forget the feeling when that belch of orange smoke emerged from… Prowl’s mouth? And the eyes going dead. Cartoon characters, actually dying. While that great Spectre General song played. The soundtrack of the 1986 film was better than the multi-million dollar live action one too. Under-rated. Lion doing the theme tune, Stan Bush’s ‘The Touch’. Love it. In terms of musical impact, let’s not forget El-P sampled the film on his production of Cannibal Ox’s sole, classic, album The Cold Vein.

Anyway, Baroness. From Savannah, GA I do believe. I ordered this record in December 2007 and received it in July 2008. I’d do a timeline of the unfortunate events if I could be arsed. Just know it took that long because Hyperrealist took payments before the thing physically existed, and then took an age to get it made. Oh, the artwork needs re-doing in 12″. I have to get the music and etchings done in separate places.

I don’t give a stuff about the etchings. It’s a nice touch, but you’re only gonna sped so long looking at them. And they’re not worth the delay. Especially when you absent-mindedly drop the needle on them. They surround the grooves, see. My god.

And when the album did arrive, deep into the third season of waiting, the records had sliced, sorry ‘etched’, through the inner-sleeves. Yay! Luckily the music is pretty hot. It’s the better ‘Red Album’ that came out in the last couple of years. It’s no Ire Works, but it’s a very solid Relapse release. But quite how solid will have to wait til I ‘do’ 2007.

I make myself laugh sometimes. Someone has to laugh, right?

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